The Day I Realized I Wanted To Live
My name is Dylan Santos Green and I’m 26 years old and 18 days. If you know me and you’re reading this, it’s most likely because the title startled you. If I was to hazard a guess, it’d be that most people consider me to be an energetic, enthusiastic, and creative ball of energy – someone who seems to generally “gets it” and floats through life simply based on the virtue of my own existence.
Well, that’s all relatively idealistic, but not the case. Know that this isn’t a cry for help, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. But we’ll get there in a moment.
Life is extraordinarily complex these days, and all of the rules have been bent, broken, rewritten, forgotten, and then regurgitated as mutants. Stress, anxiety, depression, and the trillions of other mental ailments that pursue us like hounds seem to be amplified beyond what any of us can understand or control. That doesn’t even cover physical health, global politics, economy, or climate issues. So it’s safe to say, we live in a weird world, and it’s a weird place to grow up.
Up until this year, I’ve been pretty tired of life. I think the first time I felt tihs way was when I was seven or eight. It’s not a distinct memory, but more of a growing disdain for having to go through the motions all the time – why does 80% of life seem to be a bother, 15% on the surface, and then 5% (or less) real and warming? It’s never been something that has controlled my thoughts or decisions, but it’s been a lingering theme, like driving through a county town that reeks of manure, except you never stop driving through that town.
Until now. 26 years and 18 days later. Why? Well, I’m super glad that I figured it out. It’s six things to be exact.
First, and probably obviously, I’ve accepted my mental health as it really is, not what I want it or hope it to be. I’m a young man in a society that has a very confusing male archetype role, and openly stating one’s mental state as “a failure” is simply out of the question. “I’m better than alright, I’m capable of taking the world by the horns, and I must make money.” These are the internal mutterings of said male archetype, and if your mental state isn’t healthy, and it’s denied the attention it needs, these things don’t work out.
So, in coming to terms with who I am, and what I’ve learned about myself for roughly a quarter of a century, I’ve set myself free by accepting my mental health as being a circle and not a square. Knowing my strengths and limitations allows me navigate life in a way that’s truly more comfortable, and because of that I succeed more frequently and am nicer to people around me.
Second is accepting love and compassion. I won’t repeat the last topic, but again, the male archetype is intended to be rather stoic, if not spartan when it comes to love and compassion. All of my life I’ve felt it – from people around me and various experiences – bubbling sensation that’s full of potential. But for whatever reason, I’ve never valued that feeling and have dismissed it. This hasn’t been a conscious decision, but more of a natural inclination.
I’ve managed to hang that hat. Or at least I’m trying to. That’s most likely due to embracing the nature of how my mind works, and it’s a work in progress that I’m excited about to continue. I’m drawing those near to me nearer, and learning more from the value that comes from that proximity. My family is absolutely so cool, I’m in an inspiring relationship, and my good friends keep me on my toes. They all deserve my full attention.
Third is facing my fears and conflicts. We are all imperfect people, and that statement is mostly regarding our internal perception of ourselves. For myself, I’ve found that the things that I fear and the problems in my life are typically of my own genome – or, these challenges have roots that lead back to my own making, or at least are related to my decisions.
I’m making an effort to step back away from of my fears, to release my ego from conflict, and look to how I can address these things in a practical manner. None of us have time in this life to be afraid or to live with conflict. These things must have resolution, or else life becomes a living death.
Four is accepting risk. This one isn’t for everyone, and I know this because people I love very much have a natural tendency that is risk averse, and that is in no way a hack. However, for myself, I know now that I thrive under a certain amount of risk. Without it, I stagnate and become dissatisfied; with too much, I lose my head, and sacrifice the potential of any lesson or reward.
I guess a simple way to put this is that “my crazy days are over”. However, the reason I’d contradict that anecdote is because my even crazier days may actually lie ahead of me – but the level of crazy will be on my terms.
Five is accepting reward. It’s so important to know when you’ve earned something, and relish that with distinction. It’s important to take a moment to understand the value of what you’ve done, and to know who you are once you’ve accomplished whatever it is you’re after. Too long have I blundered past successes, big or small, without realizing what they meant to me. I have a habit of looking too far ahead and losing track of the here and now.
However, there is more to life than the goal and having a plan. Life is actually what’s happening now. Goals and plans are literally “the future”, and their existence is just a construct of what we hope to find. Typing that sentence triggers my anxiety a little bit, but I’m kicking that fear to the curb because the things that are happening today matter a ton. And taking the time to absorb that experience and learn from it will keep me young.
Six is to accept rest -
- to take the time to do whatever I want and not feel guilty. I have lived with severe guilt of how I spend my time for my entire life, and I need to give it up. This is of course relating to responsible amounts of rest that contrast laziness. But truly, spending time to breathe and reorient yourself is mighty important, and it has taken me a long time to actually feel like I’m relaxing. Not fully there yet, but I’m hopeful. Whether it’s petting a cat for 5 minutes or telling someone I’m busy but actually just taking taking a nap, it’s okay, and actually great, to rest.
I’m sharing this because it’s really crazy out there, and we’re all a part of this experience (or simulation) together. I don’t share these thoughts or feelings frequently. I’m not particularly fond of blasting these opinions (because that’s what they are) out into the world. None of this is intended to come off as conceited or as a cry for help or attention.
I’m writing this because I’m incredibly excited that for the first time, I want to live. I’m grateful to have made it this far, and I’m thankful for the people me around that have helped me here. Life is a team effort, and some players are simply better at that than others. Despite what one may assume, I have a hell of a time navigating life, and I can’t do it alone. I’m not a born natural, but I want to be on the winning team, through the efforts of myself and others.
In 26 years and 18 days I have learned to accept my mental health, love and compassion, my fear and conflicts, risk, reward, and rest. And I’m thankful for existing.
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Dylan Santos Green
Thanksgiving 2018
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I took this photo when I realized most of this.